The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
