Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
