Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
