she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
