Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
