You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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