You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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