i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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