He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
