I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
