theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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