I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
