Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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