I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
