she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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