Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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