I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
