my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
