I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
