2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
