I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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