Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
