I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
