Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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