hell yes lets make some ravioli
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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