The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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