i already hear my dad disowning me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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