I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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