On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
