I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
