I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
