Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
