bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
