Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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