I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
