I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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