Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
