jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
