overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
mondays should just be called national damage control day
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
