Got a toothbrush?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
