Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
