i jhust puked up my retainher.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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