we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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