I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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