singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
