My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
