I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
