Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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