all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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