I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
