I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
