my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
