I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
