GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
