Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
